


the ending's still the same

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Captain America: The First Avenger, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 21:13:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6025195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky's there when the plane crashes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the ending's still the same

**Author's Note:**

> I'm thinking of making this a prequel to a series? I haven't decided yet, but I'm leaning towards that idea. Let me know what you think in the comments!
> 
> beta'd by myself, all mistakes are my own. please tell me if there's any major errors.

“Schmidt’s dead!” Steve’s voice came through the radio, muffled by static. Bucky ran to the monitor, relief filling him to the brim. He was so scared that something had happened, that Steve had gotten hurt, or worse.

“What about the plane?” Peggy asked, the worry in her voice making her words wobble.

Silence. “Steve?” Bucky breathed, heart in his throat. Something was wrong, he could tell from the silence Steve gave them, the very same silence that he used to give Bucky every time he’d fallen sick with something the doctors didn’t think he’d recover from. “Steve, talk to us.”

“...that’s a little tougher to explain.” Bucky froze, his face going pale.

“Give me your coordinates, I’ll find you a safe landing site.” Peggy tried, hands shaking as she pressed a few buttons below the monitors in front of her. Bucky wanted to scream, he wanted to find a way to get on that plane and go down with Steve. He wanted to switch spots with Steve, wanted to give him the chance to live his life the way he deserved.

“There’s not gonna be a safe landing… but I can try and force it down.” Steve said. He was serious as ever, dumb determination in his tone. It tore Bucky open like a knife, burning, blinding pain, the most unbearable thing he’d ever experienced. Worse than Hydra experimenting on him, worse than them injecting poison into his veins through old, rusty needles. 

“C’mon Steve, don’t be crazy,” Bucky tried. The lump in his throat was hard to talk around, the moisture in his eyes hard to see around. His legs were frozen where they stood. Steve, his Steve, leaving him. He’d been preparing himself for it ever since he met Steve, but was there really a way to prepare yourself for the love of your life to die? It was damn near impossible to imagine a world without Steve in it. And to die like this...

“I’ll get Howard on the line, he’ll know what to do.” Peggy said, reaching to press a button Bucky assumed would dial Howard.

“There’s not enough time. This thing’s moving too fast and it’s headed for New York." 

“Steve, no...” Bucky said, his body going numb. He couldn’t lose him, Steve couldn’t die, they’d _almost_ made it out…

“What? Steve, don’t do something rash. Steve?” Peggy was crying now, big brown eyes swimming in tears. Bucky couldn’t stand it. This couldn’t be happening.

“I gotta put her in the water.” But, Lord help him, it was. This was happening. Steve was going to die, and Bucky would be alone for the first time in his life, and he was _selfish,_ he couldn’t be alone, damn everyone else. He _needed_ Steve.

Bucky took the microphone from Peggy’s hands and pressed the button with shaking fingers. His hands never shook when he was scared. That was what made him such a great sniper. But Steve was the exception, Steve changed things for Bucky. Just like he always had. “Stevie, c’mon, you don’t hafta do this, buddy, me ‘n Peggy, we can figure something out, we can-”

“I’m sorry, Buck.”

“Please, Steve, we have enough time. We can work it out.” Peggy said, crying in earnest now. Bucky was well on his way there.

“Listen. Right now, I’m in the middle of nowhere. If I wait any longer, a lot of people are gonna die.” Peggy shook her head, looking down at her lap.

“No one’s gonna die, pal, you don’t have to do this! We’ll get you out of there safe and sound, and there’ll be no casualties, just give us a second to _think,_ ” Bucky tried, attempting to come up with a plan that would convince Steve that everything would be okay. He drew blank after blank, mind reeling until he became frantic.

“Buck… this is my choice.” _What about mine?_ Bucky thought. _Why don't I get a choice? Why doesn't Peggy get a choice?_

The sound of the plane heading downward came through the radio, and Bucky’s breath hitched. 

“Steve, Stevie. What are you doing, buddy? We can help. You can get help.” 

“Help me by being here, Buck. Just be here.” Bucky’s heart stopped. Those words, they broke him, just like they always had. They were the same ones Steve had said every time he was near death, and Bucky asked the doctors what he could do to help, to fix it. The answer, of course, was to buy medications they couldn’t afford, but Bucky always hoped that he’d get a different answer, one he could work with.

_“Be here, Buck. Just be here.” Steve rasped, voice gritty and frail. He was drenched in sweat, whiter than a ghost, and Bucky was terrified._

_“Alright, Stevie. I’m not going anywhere.” he replied, taking Steve’s sweaty hand and brushing his damp bangs from his forehead._

“James, you can’t talk him out of this. You know that.” Peggy said, placing a hand on his shoulder, and Bucky gave up. There was no recovery this time, and he knew it. Steve wasn’t coming back. But Bucky couldn't let him die alone, he wouldn't do that to Steve. He couldn't waste the last moments he had with Steve arguing.

“...Alright, Steve, okay, I’m here. I’m here for you. ‘Til the end of the line, right, pal?”

“‘Til the end of the line. Never thought that this would be where the line ended, though. Always thought it’d be in a bed, some sickness catching hold and not letting go.” Bucky could hear the fear in Steve’s voice, though he tried to mask it. He’d fooled everyone else, but he could never hide from Bucky.

“I’d never let that happen, Steve. Promised your ma I wouldn’t.” God, it hurt so bad acting like this was okay. Silence fell over them for a second, and Bucky panicked. They couldn't waste their time with silence. But just as he opened his mouth again, Steve spoke.

“Take care of Peggy. And Peggy, take care of Bucky. He’ll need it more than you will.”

Christ, he was saying his last words. His last wishes.

“We will, Steve,” Peggy replied, taking over when Bucky couldn't find the words.

“Buck?”

“Yeah, Steve.” Bucky gulped down bile, his fists clenched at his sides.

“Promise me you won't go looking for me. Even if you find the plane, I'll be… I won’t be coming back.”

“...you know that I can't do that, Stevie.” Bucky responded, lips dry. He’d search for Steve ‘til the day he died, that he was sure of. Even Steve himself couldn't convince him otherwise.

A staticky sigh. “I love you, Buck.”

Bucky’s heart stopped beating in his chest. But he painfully reminded himself that Steve didn't mean it the way he would.

“I love you too, punk.”

No response. Just static. Steve was gone. God, Steve was _gone._ A hand ripped through Bucky’s chest and tore out his heart, dragging out a sob with it. It hurt _so bad,_ the most excruciating pain Bucky had ever experienced. He didn't care that there were other people in the room seeing him break down, because Steve wasn’t coming back and nothing else mattered.

Steve wasn’t coming back.

 

•

 

Half a bottle downed, and Bucky still couldn't feel a damn thing. Not even a buzz. Like he'd been drinking water.

“James.” 

Bucky didn't jump at the voice. “‘s not doing anything. Those experiments they did on me at that Hydra base in Austria, I think it… did something to me. Been suspecting it for a while now.”

“It's possible. They were trying to emulate the serum they gave Steve.” She sounded so strong, stronger than Bucky, that's for damn sure. He looked up at her with sore eyes. Hers were just as puffy as Bucky suspected his were, and that's when he remembered that Steve wasn't just his, at the end. He was the whole goddamn world’s to love. 

“Did you love him?” Bucky asked, because he had to hear it. He’d always wondered if there was something going on between Peggy and Steve, but never asked. Didn't want to ask, afraid of the answer. Like he'd had a chance with Steve either way. 

“Of course I did. Did you?” 

Bucky took another swig of the useless fucking vodka in response. 

“I loved him… was in love with him, but… his affections lay elsewhere.” Peggy said, voice soft. 

Bucky looked up, met her eyes. He hadn't known there was _another_ dame in Steve’s life, and hated to admit it, but he was relieved that he'd never had to meet her. “Is that right.” Not a question, but a dismissal.

“Yes, he told me one night, after I tried to kiss him,” she laughed, her eyes far away. Her own personal Steve memory, one that Bucky wasn't there for. Jealousy burned the back of his throat, and he immediately hated himself for it. “He told me there was this person he’d been in love with for the longest time.”

Confusion clouded Bucky’s features. “From back home?" 

“That's what he said, yes. He said that he and this person were best friends, and had been for as long as he could remember. He was planning on telling them that as soon as he could.” Peggy gave him a pointed look.

“Oh,” Bucky whispered in understanding. Steve had been in love with him too, all those years. They had been head over heels for each other, but neither had said a damn word. A chuckle broke through his lips without his permission, and another followed, until he couldn't control himself. The whole thing was so fucking ironic, so fucking _horrible,_ and Bucky couldn't stop laughing.

“James…” Peggy put a comforting hand on his forearm, and that was all it took for him to break down in sobs.

“Oh, _god,_ Peggy. I loved him _so much.”_ he gasped.

“I know, darling. We’ll get through this.” Peggy stroked his back as he sobbed, tears forming in her own eyes.

They sat there and cried together until there wasn't any moisture left in Bucky’s body. Then, after that, they sat in silence as Bucky finished his vodka in a last, vain attempt to forget about everything for a while. When he reached the bottom, Bucky threw the bottle at the wall as hard as he could, and he shattered along with it.

 

•

 

“Were you still in love with him? When the plane went down?” Bucky asked one sleepless night as they looked at the map of where the plane had crashed. It was littered with X’s, and a few circles where they’d found shrapnel that may or may not have been from the plane. It was months after the plane went down, but Bucky still felt like it was yesterday, the wound was so fresh. He felt like it was yesterday, but he felt like it had been years and years all at once. It’d been so long since he’d last seen Steve. He wondered if it would ever stop feeling like that. If it would ever stop hurting so much. 

“No. I hadn't been for a while, not since he told me how he felt about you.” Peggy replied, not taking her eyes off the map in front of them. They were alone, the rest of the crew gone to bed. Neither of them did much sleeping anymore. Bucky didn’t think he’d ever be able to get a full night’s sleep ever again, not without nightmares plaguing him. “He told me so much about you, you know. I was jealous for a while, until I got over my secondary school crush and recognized how special the bond was between the two of you.”

“And you weren’t disturbed by the fact that me ‘n Steve…y’know…” Bucky trailed off. Men with men, that wasn’t a normal thing. Bucky knew that. That was something people looked down on, something that got you arrested, or beaten up, or worse. So, so much worse. 

“The fact that the two of you were both men? Please, Barnes, get over yourself,” Peggy scoffed. “I’ve had crushes on women for as long as I can remember. I was especially fond of Marion Davies in my youth.”

Bucky’s eyes widened. “Wow. Never woulda guessed.”

“Well, I haven’t exactly announced it to the world.”

“You ever been with a dame?” Bucky asked, almost smiling. Not quite, but close. Smiles were hard to come by these days.

“Have I ever been with a _woman,_ you mean? And the answer to that is yes, a few. More than I’ve been with men. I find most insufferable.” Peggy replied, abandoning the Hydra map for now. They could work on it more later, but these conversations were a rare thing. “And you, Barnes?”

“What, ladies or fellas?” Bucky asked.

“Both.”

“Well, I’ve taken plenty a’ ladies. Only a coupla’ fellas. Mostly only ever had eyes for Steve, though.” Bucky said, the urge to grin gone now that his mind was on Steve. Thinking about Steve was no longer a source of happiness and hope, but a reminder of the fact that Bucky had lost everything he truly cared for, everything he had vowed to protect.

“I can see why,” Peggy said, using that gentle voice that Bucky was real sick of hearing, even if he probably needed it. “He was a wonderful man.”

Bucky snorted. “Are you kidding? Steve was a little shit, pardon my language. Always pickin’ fights, talkin’ back to fellas twice his size. Didn’t have a licka’ common sense, I can promise you that much.” He shook his head at the memory of Steve telling Jonathan Wells, a kid that was twice _Bucky’s_ size, let alone his, to do something that would’ve gotten his mouth washed out with soap if his ma had heard, when he caught him trying to look up Nancy Patterson’s skirt. “Sure, he stuck up for other people, but he wasn’t doing himself any favors.”

“I think that’s what made him so wonderful,” Peggy said.

“ _I_ think that’s what made him dead,” Bucky snapped back, suddenly blind with anger. God, if Steve would’ve just given up on joining this war, he’d still be here. He’d be here, and Bucky would be dead instead. Wasn’t that a dream?

“Look, James, there’s nothing you could’ve done to stop him. He was stubborn, and when he had a plan he stuck to it. You know that just as well as I do.” Peggy said. “And he died a hero. That’s much better than slowly and painfully slipping away due to an incurable illness, don’t you think?”

Bucky didn’t respond.

 

•

 

Bucky took mission after mission with hardly any breaks in between. He and his team located a base, and then they were off, ready to take it down. Base after base, kill after kill. The rest of the Commandos were angry too, though, angry because of all this war had taken from them. Time from their families, friends, all snatched away from them without even a bit of warning.

So, the Commandos stuck by Bucky’s side mission after mission. Months went by with no end in sight. Peggy told Bucky in private that she was thinking of starting a program solely focused on taking down Hydra, and Bucky agreed that it was a great idea. If he lived long enough to see it happen, he’d love to be an agent.

“Good luck, Barnes.” Peggy said as Bucky suited up for their next mission. They were taking down a train with Zola on it, who would hopefully tell them where the last of the Hydra bases were once they brought him back to camp.

Bucky nodded politely at her, buttoning his coat. The rest of the Howling Commandos were nearby, suiting up. He used to get nervous before missions, used to be so afraid that Steve would get hurt during a mission and not recover, even though he knew that was near impossible with the serum. Now, he never got nervous before taking down a Hydra base. He was emotionless as he killed. Cold as winter, his eyes icy and dangerous. He was something to be feared. A machine.

He didn't scream as he fell from the train. The oxygen got sucked right out of his lungs, and all he could think of was how great it would be to see Steve again.

 

•

 

Pain pain pain pain _pain._

He couldn’t tell where it was coming from. Everywhere, nowhere, his arm, his head, his throat. 

So much _pain._  

He was ready for the pain to end. He prayed that the pain would end soon.

Soon.


End file.
